The need to control (your life, your body, your partner, your parents, your children,..) is one of the biggest causes of dissatisfaction, frustration, and unhappiness in the world. The solution isn't to just let go and let life happen to you, but to know what you can and need to control in it.
In order to control your reality, you need to control 4 things that are creating it - your thoughts, your focus, your beliefs, and your perception.
1. Your Thoughts
Research shows that people think around 60,000 - 80,000 thoughts a day and 80% of those are negative ones. We all get carried away with noise in our heads, and most of the time aren't even conscious of "the movies' that are playing in our heads. We just start thinking about how your husband is cheating o you, or that you will surely get fired, or that you won't be able to pay your bills, or that you will surely fail that exam, or that the world is coming to an end, or - you fill in the blank. All kinds of crazy thoughts.
Since thoughts cause emotions, after all that drama in your head, you can only feel sad, anxious, worried or helpless. You become paralyzed by them, stuck in your own mind. That causes you to hide from the world, staying inactive or taking actions based on fear. The end result is usually that you manifest exactly what you were scared of.
The worst (and the most absurd) thing is - you did this to yourself.
With allowing your thoughts to run freely, wild and unchecked you are constantly in a reactive mode. You feel overwhelmed and that your life is out of control.
The truth is though that you can CHOOSE YOUR THOUGHTS.
Instead of thinking "I can't pay my bills" you can think "Ok, it's a tough situation right now but I'm a smart cookie and I will figure it out. Let's see what are the ways to earn some extra money right now?" Can you feel how empowering those thoughts are? They will cause an inspired action and lead you to the solution.
Maybe you're thinking - this is all great but I just can't control my thoughts!
First of all, stop believing you can't because you'll prove yourself right (more on that later).
You CAN! You are NOT your thoughts. Like Eckhart Tolle says - you're awareness behind them.
Try it. At this very moment when you are reading this, I want you to think about a little white bunny. Do you see him in your head? All fluffy and cute? With his little nose twitching. I bet you do. This is just a simple exercise to show you that You control your thoughts, not the other way around.
Choose thoughts that serve you and help you build the life you want.
Educate yourself more on mindfulness and practice meditation regularly. Mindfulness is like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the stronger it is.
2. Your Focus
Where is your focus?
On your flaws or your qualities?
On the feeling of lacking what you don't have or feeling of gratitude for what you do have?
On positive things that are happening in the world or are you just seeing negative ones?
On problems or opportunities to learn and grow?
Your energy flows in the direction of your focus. You will get more of what you focus upon.
It's important to understand that you can't use negative terminology for focusing on what you actually want. For example:
Instead of "I DON'T WANT a partner who will cheat on me" focus on "I WANT a partner that respects me"
Instead of "I DON'T WANT to be a person who never follows through" focus on " I WANT /AM the person who follows through"
When you focus on what you don't want, instead of what you do want, you give that energy momentum and, as a result, you'll have more of what you don't want in life.
What you focus on expands. Focus on the outcome, not the obstacle.
3. Your Beliefs
You have been unconsciously building your belief system throughout your whole life and now you use those beliefs as something that defines you. The reasons you have these beliefs could be various, but usually, it’s because of your childhood experience/societal programming.
In order to start controlling (and transforming) your beliefs, you have to first be aware of them. Many people mistake beliefs for facts which disempowers them and limits their area of influence. They might feel like they can’t do, or have this or that, because of something they consider a FACT - I’m poor; I’m old; I’m too young; I’m too big; I’m too skinny; Life is hard; This guy is out of my reach; I can’t get out of this bad marriage, I have two kids to think about… These are all just limiting beliefs.
Limiting beliefs turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not because they were really true. But because your actions or inaction follow the belief, making it true.
In other words, your life is mirroring your beliefs. You are getting what you believe is true. This is why it’s crucial to identify the beliefs that aren’t serving you.
I found this subject so important that I wrote an eBook about it and how to free yourself from limiting beliefs. You can download it here.
4. Your Perception
What is perception? It is a way of regarding, understanding or interpreting something. Basically, that is the lens you see your life through.
People can be in the exact same situation, but they won't look at it the same.
People who can modify their perception in a way that serves them can see the situation that would make you completely stressed out as something totally different. They look at that situation from different angles, trying to find a way to see something positive or learn something from it.
If you're struggling with your perception about some big challenge you have in your life try asking somebody you know how they see that situation. Try to use the angle that will make you see it in a different light.
Other important things you can control:
Are your thoughts, words, and actions aligned with what you feel deeply is right?
Are you living your authentic life?
A lot of people have friends in their life that are treating them badly, just using them or draining their energy, and they stay in those relationships because they knew that person from kindergarten or some other silly reason.
Just ask yourself: "If I met that person today would I want her/him to be my friend?"
You can and should control who you surround yourself with. Nobody is holding a gun to your head for you to keep hanging with people you don't like. It's Your Choice. It's a sign of how much you love and respect yourself. Your energy and time are too precious to be wasted on them.
Surround yourself with like-minded people and people who inspire you and provide joy and support in your life. You will create positive momentum for building a better future easier in those circumstances.
Remember that you are the average of five people you surround yourself with. So, who are you? Who do you want to be?
What you are reading
Is it just chick lit or do you read to gain more knowledge and educate yourself?
What you are watching
Are you just binging some mind-numbing reality show or do you want to learn more by watching good documentaries, educational videos, and inspirational movies?
Are you addicted to news portals that keep you spinning in a state of emotional distress and thinking that the world is going to end?
Yes, you do need to be informed - but with what kind of information? What do you do with information that doesn't serve you?
Who you will follow on Social Media
Will you follow someone who inspires and motivates you or someone who makes you feel less worthy or depressed?
How you will move your body
That is completely under your control. No excuses.
Why do you feel the need to control others?
Because you want to feel good. Yes, it's as simple as that.
You want others to do the things that you believe will make you feel better.
You want your children to do good in school so You will feel like a good mom.
You want to find a partner who will do things to make You feel good.
You want your employees to do the job as you want them because it would make You feel good.
You can have all of that good feeling without controlling others because:
When you control your thoughts you feel good.
When you control your focus you feel good.
When you control your beliefs you feel good.
Everything is Your Choice. You have all the control. You wield the power to transform your life.
So, what kind of life are you creating?